Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Sometimes, it seems like there is so much going on that there is no time for the important things - like art, writing, and freedom. Time must be made for the necessary, as is the nature of such things, but important? It gets thrown by the wayside.
Many very intelligent people argue that a healthy mind IS a necessity- and I agree - but the world I live in is one of survival; bills, nutrition, career planning & social obligations can consume an entire day, a day which then repeats, and repeats, and repeats until you have forgotten what it feels like to fill a white expanse with pigment, let alone sleep peacefully.
At this point, the soul unleashes its own survival instincts.
I am at such a point - all the creative energy I've been suppressing is taking over my brain, and I have no control over it anymore. The small amount of discretion I've been able to cultivate in my 24 years is unwittingly censored- and reveling in the most extreme of gluttonous impulses.
In the last week have consumed far more calories than my body needs, drank far more alcohol than my cells can work with -don't even get me started with cigarettes - and my clean laundry has been sitting where I placed it when I got home from washing it. I'm a millimeter from getting a new tattoo, and even closer to cutting all ties and losing myself in the woods for a couple weeks. Responsibilities,shunned.
Where is the answer?

Friday, September 18, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Music by Birds. (just watch the first 29 seconds. They ruin it.)

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

Pete Seeger is my religion, & thoughts on change.

He has put more of my subconscious, deeply ingrained beliefs into words than any other person on the planet. Love him. 
& he's 90!!!

"Down through the centuries, this trick has been tried by various establishments throughout the world. They force people to get involved in the kind of examination that has only one aim and that is to stamp out dissent."

"I love my country very dearly, 
and I greatly resent the implication 
that some of the places that I have sung 
and some of the people that I have known, 
and some of my opinions, 
whether they are religious or philosophical, 
make me less of an 
American. "
"I want to turn the clock back
 to when people lived in small villages 
and took care of each other."
"There is hope for the world."
and last but not least .. .
"Little boxes, 
on the hillside, 
little boxes made of ticky-tacky
little boxes
on the hillside
&they all look just the same."

- The Seeg.
I'm the type of person who believes in most things,
or more accurately, 
believes that anything is possible, because nothing can be proven impossible,&too much is unexplainable. This makes it particularly difficult for me to believe in popular adages, such as "people don't change."
Really? They don't? It seems like believing that makes it really hard to be friends with most people. Most of my friends probably wouldn't be my friends, and I would likely be a Republican. People can change, some don't, sure. But they can, and they do.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The Simple Life

From sleepy hollow

I'm gonna steal some inspiration from my mysterious new follower .  ..

I crave simplicity. I want to throw my blackberry down a deep dark hole & buy a bike, ditch the car & work on a farm. Crave it. But that isn't my life, I live a 7-day-week of insanity. A few months ago, after a few too many business days of unemployment, my brain had simplified itself to the point that my heart rate could double as a straight edge. Boring. Lame. I was done with, I wanted coffee in my veins&a specific purpose driving my life. And now here I am, believing that the correct path is just the opposite. 
But it's okay, 
it is balance,
and if spontaneity is what i crave so be it, 
and if simplicity is what i want, simple it will be.

Thanks Ry. <3

Blogger Ryan said...
For the record, it was a Nemo doll... And no, whatever it is that's supposed to be traditional dating doesn't happen too often (at least not in our circles of friends). I think people fear the label, regardless of whatever the label may be. Anyways, let's try to hash this out for all the imaginary readers: "Friends" - Two people that generally enjoy each others company. "Hookup" - At least 2nd Base. "Date" - A meeting of two people engaging in a pre-determined activity. Usually a meal. "Hang out" - Similar to a "Date", except at least one of the people only sees the other person as a "Friend". "Hooking Up" - "Hookup" with (at least) once a week regularity. No exclusivity. "Dating" - "Date" with (at least) once a week regularity. No exclusivity. "Friends With Benefits (FWB)" - "Friends" + "Hooking Up" - "Dating" "Seeing Someone" - "Dating" + "Hooking Up" (No exclusivity) "Dating Someone" - "Dating" + "Hooking Up" (At least one person claims exclusivity) "Relationship" - "Date" + "Hooking Up" (Both claim exclusivity) BONUS: "Going Steady" - Same as "Relationship", except your name is Zack Morris or AC Slater.
September 8, 2009 9:33 AM

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Summer.... love? I think not.

I've been single for almost a year, and in this time have gone through a series of phases: pain, sadness, anger, loosenicity, and finally, thankfully, a deep appreciation for myself&my freedom. But as it naturally does, the need for companionship is now sneaking up on me. &I've realized I have NO clue how to find a suitable man. Do I "date?"(What is dating, anyhow? Dictionary.com defines it as "to go out socially on dates." Dictionary.com, quit oversimplifying.)
Must a date be labeled a date before it can be one? Is a hookup a form of dating, if there is conversation involved? (Really hope my mother never reads this.) Is it a date if there is no pre-planned activity involved? What about crushes? Or consistent hookups? Spending large amounts of time with one particular person? Even if neither person verbalizes it? What about increased person-person communication (phone,text, gotta say it - facebook.) I have no idea.
Well dating isn't my thing, I despise words with locked-in meanings. I'd rather ride the wave of whatever chemistry is enticing me at the moment. Whether that involves adventures into the woods or deep conversation or sex or the awesome feeling of simple, tingling comfortable snugs. But is that a effective process for a person looking to fall in love?
(OH i said the word .. .. whatever people, it's what we're all looking for, isn't it?)
Sex. I do not sleep with anyone who I don't like as a person (at the time at least.. ugh, I've been wrong before.) I am WELL aware not everyone follows his guideline, especially men. But sex is good, it is healthy, and natural, and you should do it. (Safely, re:2009). But it complicates things, most people would agree with me. So, do we not do it? Is that the secret to a long healthy relationship, celibacy until marriage? Alot of people believe it, so it deserves a voice in this post, but I find that hard to believe. Maybe it's my gonads speaking. But the longest relationship I've had didn't involve sex for more than two months .. does that prove something?
This summer, I have learned firsthand that everyone has their own concept of dating, courting, romancing, whatever you label the pre-mating ritual. I have also learned that finding a person who has the same perspective as you is nearly impossible.

Lets call him Abama.
Abama was a sweet guy, HUGE heart (muy importante), attractive, stable. Took me for Sushi, even though he doesn't like it. All was well & good. I find out a month later he has a child, an ex-wife, and a MONSTEROUS bag-o-baggage.
Abama had it all, why did he have to warp my opinion of him into a shady, insecure mofo?! Because to him, we were something outside of the bubble of his past. I don't like that idea. My bubble is who I am, so is his, it is true for everyone.

Lets go with Bird.
Sexy, Smart (or so seemed at the time) & life goals. I seriously enjoyed his company. Got the "steady" vibe , shared a bed, made meals & ate them together, on the couch, watching TV. After a few weeks, life got busy, communication slowed. I called him up for a mid-week ... date? Nothing. No response. Loser that I am, I communicated via Facebook, where he can often be found. The following is our last chat.
Me. seems like your blowing me off. whats that about?
Bird. no way! i don't blow ppl off... but i should be up front with you, im being very single lately... if i don't answer or can't hang out... more than likely its b/c there's another girl there.
Wow, B.
Thaaaaaaaaaats great. The thing about being upfront, Bird, is that it ussually presents itself.. upfront.

Three (witnessed, not experienced.)
This time, survey says . . . . Mario.
A good friend has been seeing a seemingly good guy, peak physical condition, flattering, nyc apartment (biggggg plus.) They phone regularly, and have exclusive nights out. But he won't commit to ...anything, really, nothing any further in the future than a week or two. (Obviously, he just isnt that into her.) Is that dating, then? They both refer to it as such. If not, whats the point, besides sex? She needs out, and he needs chivalry training.
Future strike.

As I said before, I just want to ride the dopamine wave of intense chemistry. But I also want to be in love. & I don't want to settle, or get hurt, or be duped, or force something that isn't there. What are my options?

Fate? Maybe that's all I'm waiting for, and the torturous process of psychoanalyzing dating is just a way to pass the time.

My brain hurts,
so g'bye.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dobbs Ferry, for 8 seconds.

I took this tonight in the backyard of my apartment building .. I love the way it came out, because it reminds me of the times all I can see is the sky&nothing else is real. It happens more on Long Island, there isn't any thing but short storetops & pointy roofs, not like upstate where the mountains are all you see, on Long Island nothing is blocking the lower atmosphere for miles. 
Did you know that vibrant colorful sunsets are most likely caused by pollution?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


First of all, in my brain, favorites do not exist. The whole concept of placing one thin above all others elludes me.
That being said,
There are more than a few reasons I love Autumn, (including the word itself, the letters look beautiful together, and i could REALLY do without "fall".. . . that should be reserved for the leaves, they deserve it) but this affection has only recently begun. I'm not sure if five years in New Paltz, undoubtedly at its peak between September and November, has had any influence on this change of heart. Maybe I am finally disassociating the crisp air with itchy, pleated flannel uniforms. Or maybe as I age, &time quickens, i can recognize the earth's consistent, delicate balance of hot&cold, life&death, light&dark. Each season has beauty, but each season is merely a fraction. They are individual, but are also nothing without eachother. So, Sept 1, when i woke up to a cold nose and a SERIOUS urge to cocoon myself in blankets for another 2 or 3 hours, my first thought (ok, second, i was freezing & had to pee) was "AWESOME. Something new. This is fleeting. I love this planet." Before we know it, it will be Winter. Then Spring. Then Summer. So for the next 4 or 5 weeks, I will be high on Autumn.
&I'll probably find some way to leap into a pile of leaves somewhere.
More to come..

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

New Camera, Joy!

Facebook Becomes Me. Definition # 9.

Lately, I have become addicted to Facebook. (i hate generic words, but i truly have an addiction. Surealiously.)
I do not think this is a healthy thing, my brain already spends entirely too much time overanalyzing, and Facebook has complicated this preoccupation tenfold. The site has taken once singularly defined, easy-to-interpret words (Like & POKES!? & friend.... requests???), warped them, and confused the shit out of me&my language dissections.

Lets explore this.

Urban Dictonary, what is facebook?

The decision to announce a relationship via Facebook is WAY too involved. Whether the status change is simple and traditional, such as 'engaged' or complex, such as 'complicated' (don't get me started) & 'open' (wtf Facebook that is NOT an acceptable option, I hope you understand you will be held accountable if middle school students start using this .. phrase? habit? practice? whatEVER an 'open relationship' is defined as, as a form of courtship. Bring back My So-Called Life!!!) carries with it a slew of nausea inducing issues, such as a required "JANE DOE IS NO LONGER IN A RELATIONSHIP" when things go sour. Oh thats gotta feel good to read. Even better, everyone you are friends with, everyone you met at a bar and blackberry facebooked immediately (or is that just me?), your first grade classmates, your co-workers, former co-workers, aunts, uncles, their friends you met once or twice, etc etc blah blah blah, ALSO are informed that you are 'no longer in a relationship."

Is word of mouth dead?